i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
