i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
