I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
