I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
