also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
