i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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