im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize