oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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