I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
