I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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