I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
