I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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