holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize