there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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