"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
