There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
