I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
