You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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