My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.