What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
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Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed