What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
