I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
