he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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