good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
