I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Did I show you my penis last night?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
