She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
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I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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