Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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