Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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