So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
