Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
