Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
