nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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