he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
