We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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