I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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