Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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