last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
