So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
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