You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
