so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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