just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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