I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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