An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
