i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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