Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I looked at my own cervix.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize