Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
