I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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