I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
