please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
