we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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