I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
so let's talk penis.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
