not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
