you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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