Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
