Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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