i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
