we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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