forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
