i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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