the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
this boner is exhausting
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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