I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
