i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
